goodgirlsdoresearch
goodgirlsdoresearch
Anonymous asked:
instructor144 answered:
Followers?
I hear from a lot of couples moving from vanilla to D/s because I’ve written about how I did the same.
When D/s is new it’s not uncommon for the leash to get dropped. Especially if you were together for a while before D/s so you have sort of a default norm of how you interact or behave with each other that is easy to slip back into instinctually. You just talk about how your D/s got off track, you accept responsibility for what went wrong on both sides, try to figure out why it went off track and look for ways to prevent it next time. If you are trying to go from 100% vanilla to having a really dramatic change with a complex dynamic, maybe look at starting fresh but with a smaller set of rules or protocol so that it’s more manageable to adjust to, take smaller steps instead. Then you pick the leash back up. It doesn’t have to mean your D/s is doomed if you get off track here or there. Communicate and try again.
I’ve written a lot about moving from vanilla to D/s, because that is my experience too. @amysubmits hit the nail on the hit with all of this, especially the not giving up part. Relationships are hard work, and require constant commitment to communication and perseverance. If the natural tendencies are there and both partners are committed to doing that work, it’s absolutely possible to shift back into D/s if you didn’t succeed the first time.
A couple of additions:
I think part of the question here is whether the D is actually dominant. I think dominance is a trait and A Dominant is a commitment. a dominant nature must already be present for the inclination to do the work to be there, and not everyone with a dominant nature wants/needs to be A Dominant.
So, the first question is- does this person feel they are/want to be A Dominant?
If the answer is yes, then the second question is what was it that didn’t work in the first place?
“Good Enough” is subjective. What does it mean to each person involved? What does good enough mean within the context of the relationship referenced? Where is the submissives responsibility within the work? The failure of a relationship, D/s or otherwise is not just on one person, it’s on everyone involved. If both are newbies, from personal experience doing this at 35, with years of personal and professional experience in communication, conflict resolution and relationship building, I still struggle with living up to my end of the responsibility for developing our D/s relationship. (I’ve been writing about it a lot directly below this).
So, I’d encourage a reframe of this to include a mutual responsibility for the failure, and reflection on what specifically wasn’t working and how to address it.
Communication and Reflection are KEY. If that is there, and there is a commitment to one another and to engaging in the consistent process of putting in the work, it is absolutely possible to re-engage and try again.
Think of it like a video game. It can take many attempts to get through a level, a game, the sequel. Game over is never actually game over until you give up, shut it down, and never go back to it.
